Catch and Release

After a night of watching Desperate Housewives over at Jessicas, I came home and got ready for bed. Even though it was after 11:00 PM, I wanted to read a bit. I wear glasses, and without them I'm really pretty much blind, exept when I read. So, I'm relaxing last night with my current Dragonlance book, and notice this thing on my ceiling, since I am blind, it's just a black LARGE blurry dot. I squint for several seconds, like that's going to miraculously cure my eyesight. After realizing the squinting isn't helping, I put on my glasses, and see that this particular LARGE black dot is a spider. Yes, that's right a black spider. I mean, these things are really scarey looking. For you to better appreciate my calmness in this situation, you must know that I used to be EXTREMELY freaked out by spiders, to the point of screaming as if I were being bitten by fire ants. Well, I've never actually been bitten by fire ants, so I don't know what that would feel like, but I don't think it would be a pleasant experience. I am now over my spider fear, well, a bit anyways, but I know that some of you are really deathly afraid of them, and your first instinct, out of fear, is to kill them. Well, killing a spider is a very stressful thing, not only for the spider, but for the killer. I used to be a spider killer, and it took a lot out of me. So, I want to help convert all you instinctual spider killers, into instinctual spider catch and release people. Below are the steps to a successful spider catch and release:

Step 1 - Gathering the Tools

Ok, so you find the spider that has just made you jump, maybe scream, make your heart pound, your palms sweat, and pretty much put you into panic mode. You are experiencing the fight or flight response. This is natural, but you can train yourself to calm down. Have a plan. Know that you can do this. Hopefully, your spider isnt running around on your bed, or your floor, because this lesson is only on a ceiling spider catch and release. Your plan should be this: get the tools. You will need a glass, preferably a clear one, so you can see the spider. You don't want the fear of NOT seeing the spider to overcome you, as you might drop the glass and freak out. You will also need a thin piece of paper. I know you might be tempted to get something super thick, because that makes more sense, keeping the spider farther away. Thin paper may scare you, but if you use something thick, you will kill the spider, and will not complete a succesful spider catch and release mission. You will also need a chair if the spider isn't directly above your bed, and hopefully it isn't, because if you miss, well, a spider on your bed will make this mission more than likely incomplete, and have you up all night unable to sleep.

Step 2 - The Chair

Put the chair in a position that will give you the easiest access to the spider. You don't want to have to stretch your arms too far. Stand on the chair, with tools in hand.

Step 3- The Glass

SLOWLY, I mean, very slowly, this is crucial. If you move too fast, the spider will run away. Slowly lift the glass so that you can trap the spider. This is harder than it seems, and may frighten you just reading about it. I usually calm myself by saying quietly outloud, but with meaning "you can do this, don't freak out". Repeat this several times, I like to say it the WHOLE time.

Actual Glass used in a spider catch and release successful mission

Step 4 - The Paper

I like to use something like index type cards. The regular ones are too thick, and may harm the spider, by limb dismembering, or killing it. Remember, your goal is to not harm the spider. While still speaking to yourself aloud in your quiet, but firm voice, slowly put the paper under the lip of the glass, while pressing it against the ceiling. DO NOT pull the glass too far away from the ceiling. This must be done in a smooth manner, otherwise spider harm may occur. You will move the paper until it completly covers the glass. Usually the spider will then fall into the bottom of the glass.

The paper I used. Notice it's decorative, this may help calm visual people. Me, I don't really care, but I suppose you could get creative in paper selection if you really wanted to.

Step 5- Emergency tool

After the spider has fallen, slowly pull the glass while holding the paper over the top away from the ceiling. You may get uncontrollable shivers at this point, because you are in close proximity to the spider, and the only thing that seperates you from the spider is that thin piece of paper. Spiders will crawl up the glass and try to escape, but this can be solved. If you are really afraid, remain calm, and look around for maybe something a bit heavier to place over the paper and the glass.

My emergency tool that I used last night was a Charmed DVD case. A book would work well too.

Step 6 - Clothes

Make sure you have clothes on. If it's late at night, and you sleep in the buff, you may forget to put clothes on because your plan is running on adrenaline, and you may not have thought about this part. Putting clothes on will help you NOT freeze when you take the spider outside, and even though it may be late, your neighbors may still be up gazing at the stars, and even though I'm sure you look pretty hot naked, you don't want to be known as the naked neighbor who does weird stuff at night with a glass in your hand, and who knows what else. So, grab your bathrobe if you need to. You can put the glass down, only if you have the emergency tool on the top. The spider can move the paper if your hand is not holding it down. I didn't want to tell you that part, but I must be honest if you are going to be successful.

Step 7 The Release

With your clothes on, and your spider secure in the glass, go outside. This part is just as scarey as the actual catching. Sometimes the spider crawls up the glass and is on the paper. Tapping the paper only works on certain spiders. This technique did not work on the spider I dealt with last night. So, I had to say outloud to myself "you can do this, you can do this, you can do this." Using a real glass seems like the hard way to go, you may be thinking if it was plastic, I could just throw the whole thing and be done with it, but again, you need to think of the safety of the spider. While telling yourself you can do it, QUICKLY as FAST AS POSSIBLE simultaneoulsy lift the paper and the emergency tool off of the glass. If the spider is on the paper and you are familiar with the swish and flick movement, do so now. If the spider is in the bottom of the glass, just tip the glass over and gently shake it out.

Step 8

After the spider is released, it may look a bit confused. Mine did, it ran around in circles for a bit and I did feel like it was stalking me for a while, but I figured it was because it was showing me gratitude for saving its life. Anyways, you may want to look at the spider for a while, feeling safe, brave, and really proud of yourself. It helps if its a really big spider, because then you realize what you just did, and can't believe it, you will have a lot more confidence in yourself. Let me be honest though. The confidence only lasts until the next time you see a spider.

A Successful Spider Catch and Release mission accomplished! (Picture not taken after mission). I didn't think you wanted to see me naked, well, maybe you did, you pervert.